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CastlesInTheAir · Sep 09, 2012, 10:09 AM

I'll never give up
Never give in
Never let a ray of doubt slip in
And if I fall
I'll never fail
I'll just get up and try again
Brian McKnight

I think I am still fighting even though I lay here every day feeling sorry for myself, angry at the world, but mainly angry with myself. At least I don’t have a knife to my wrist or hold a gun to my head. I just cry every day, laying here, trying to will myself to get up, to smile, to be excited about something. So many times, I have gone through the cycle of starting over, starting over again, always ending up at the same place, but feeling evermore hopeless and faithless. I remember feeling on top of the world every time I have gotten up, feeling like I am moving somewhere, but now it as if I walk in place instead of forward like I am on a treadmill not really going anywhere, just walking in place. It is one thing to let others break your heart, which has happened to me SO many times, but after the last one broke, it instead of giving myself a break it is as if I hit self-destruct, ran over myself, and ripped my own heart out. So, I lay here in a half made bed, forcing myself to even shower every day, wanting so badly to go out and not feel so disconnected from everyone. But at least I lay here alive, waiting, wanting, for that moment when something clicks in my head and I get up, wipe one last tear from my face, and moooooove along.