|
In my view, being forced to me means that the other person loves and needs me so much he becomes forceful. I think and imagine that if I were being forced, it's because he wants me that badly, that he loves me enough that he can't wait and can't control himself. BUT that's only the ideas in my head that I continue to fight with.
I think this stemmed from the abusers always after telling me they loved me, they couldn't control themselves etc. Making up excuses. My abuser had the nerve to apologize to me after he did it each and every time. But if he was sorry, he wouldn't have done it again the next day.
So somewhere in my childhood I developed the idea, that if they hurt you in that way it's because, well they love you and need you. While I know that's not true now, it doesn't stop the ideas every now and then. It's hard to admit but if you or anyone else is feeling this way I don't want you to feel alone.
Of course I don't want to be forced, in reality, I've been there by many men and it was absolutely horrible. So I started to wonder, "well what if it was in a consensual relationship" but it didn't work for me either. I ended up getting choked and almost smothered and it triggered me like something terrible. The act itself, well the agression of it wasn't consensual, it had never been discussed but I thought it would be ok since it was within the relationship, but it was much worse than I would have imagined.
So not to blab your ear off, but yes I do feel and imagine sometimes being forced, it's like that child part whispers in my ear "if they don't take it, they don't love you as much as the ones who do" but now the logical part is much louder and telling me how warped that idea is. But the small voice still lingers.
I've never thought however about hurting children, I feel like it's my purpose in life to help children, especially the ones who were abused. I could never harm an innocent child, I have a large heart and all I can see is their innocense and all I want is to protect that. HOWEVER, if my memory serves me correctly, I believe I read that much like my idea of wanting to be abused, often those who hurt children were programmed to think it's what children want, or deserve, or somehow it's justified, because they were programmed to believe just that
I hope you find your answers, any form of childhood abuse causes so many questions and doubts
__________________
I'd lock my hands behind my head, I'd cover my heart and hit the deck, I'd brace myself for the impact if I were you.
|