Lola, the way you describe it is almost exactly the way I do. I learned very early that doing things for others was the way to get attention (or at least the way to avoid punishment). I've resented it for decades, but I still do it.

I'm just learning how to express that I have needs. There are only two people I can do it with yet - T and my best friend. T and I have never really talked about it, but he works it so that I have to ask him for much of what I need. For example, if I have a really rough session, he tells me that I can call him if I'm upset, but he doesn't call me to check in. In the very rare event that I do call him between sessions, he says he's really pleased that I decided that I could ask for what I need and that I'm worthy of receiving it. It feels a little like clicker training for dogs, really. But, I'll take any form of positive reinforcement that I can find these days.

Anyway, I think that one way to work through this is to start, little by little, asking for what we need and letting others manage their own needs a bit more. Of course, it has to be with a safe person. So, your T is a logical choice to start with.