I understand how you feel. I struggle with that guilt too. My stepmom said something really horrible about me and my mom on Christmas and it made me not want to see her. So I didn't go over to their house for Christmas. And since she lives with my dad and brothers, I didn't go to see them for a long time. I still think about it, and it does hurt.

You're not a bad person. Ask yourself I why it is that you feel anxious about going to see your family. And what you think they will say or do that is causing this anxiety. Chances are it's not as bad as you think. As Miswimmy1 has posted, you may want to see a therapist to help you answer these questions. Good luck.