I'm not totally sure if this is the right place to post this but I think it makes sense.

I've always wanted to be emotionally numb, I always tried to suppress feelings. And it seems that it worked. Well sort of, I think I've just transferred my feelings to my fantasy world... it's hard to explain but I'll try. I am a computer gamer, and I get really attached to characters, and I also watch "celebrities" on youtube, and I get really attached to them too. It seems to be unattainable people.

Anyway, it has just been the summer holidays where I am, so about 7/8 weeks just me at home. At first I wanted to see my friends and I tried to arrange to meet with them, but then as time went on and I didn't see them I just got sort of comfortable. I retreated from the normal world and basically spent 6 weeks doing nothing. Now I'm back at college and I don't feel anything for my friends. Even with my best friends my feelings have dulled significantly. I look at them and think "Meh", I don't really care about you that much. And that's really horrible of me! But it's sadly true.

But it's not just with people, it's with life. I just don't care. I got my AS results from college which were average and I just didn't care about them. I was supposed to be getting more results online but I didn't check until my mum asked me what results I got, and then I found out but I still didn't care. It's weird.

I suppose I'm not totally emotionally numb, I still feel intense anxiety and feeling like I just don't want to do anything. I love my mum more than anything in the world, she's like my lifeline.

Well, that's the first part of this little confession thing! The second part is that I have this need to be worried about. I love it when people are worried about me, I don't know why. So I have these urges to do things to make them worried about me, but I try not to do them. I have marks on my arms from cutting a few months ago (I have stopped), and I plan out these elaborate things so my friends see them and they all worry about me. Then I think to myself "You are crazy." I love it even when my mum is worried about me. It's like I get a little kick from being weird. It's even more weird because I know that I despise anyone to think that I'm weak and if someone challenges my strength I try so hard to prove that I'm strong.