Thanks to everyone who's answered.

It's getting closer, and I'm getting more stressed. I have that "maybe just this once" syndrome in a bad bad way. I have an Eeyore coffee mug that says "pessimistically optimistic" -- I think that's what I am. Beating my head against the same damn wall and expecting different results, "just this once." "Maybe it'll be different this time," I tell myself. Then it isn't, and then I get angry with myself.

I dunno. I have to go back to work tonight, but will call the one sister I can tolerate when I get home and see if she'll be irritated if I don't go. She's good at explaining to the rest of them what's up with me. Not only can I really no longer afford it, my PTSD is on the rampage and it's all I can do not to cut (I also struggle with self-injury). On the surface, it doesn't seem reasonable for me to go.

But maybe....just this once.....

Ah, hell.

Next year is a milestone birthday for me and I intend to spend it in my own city surrounded by people who love me!

Candy

There used to be a real me, but I had it surgically removed. -- Peter Sellers