Thank you so much Rainbow! Attachment is one of the hardest parts about therapy IMO. I told my T how I wasn't happy that my feelings of being attached to her are coming back. She wanted to know what that meant 'being attached' and why I don't like it. We then did some EMDR and I discovered I don't like being attached because whenever I tried to attach to my mom I was always pushed away and never felt loved. I always felt rejection and being attached or wanting to feel attachment makes myself vulnerable to being rejected, pushed away and hurt. It was hard to explore what I was feeling and T encouraged me to not hold back and censor myself and to just let it go.

The part that I bawled about was when I told T I ran 20 miles this past Saturday (I'm training for a marathon and it's been my longest distance so far). Running 20 miles while I can physically run 20 (because of training) was the hardest thing to do mentally. I kept wanting to give up. What kept me going was beating myself up mentally and being angry at my abuser. What is left when the anger isn't there. I don't want to let go of the anger. Where will I be without it? It's too scary to let go of it!