It is very painful to read your posts because you feel so bad about yourself and that self-hatred is deep in your thoughts that cutting yourself and feeling pain stops the emotional grief. You are not the person you think you are you are loving and kind but you need to find a way to believe that. Negative thoughts feed on one another and soon you are so low. If you can find something anyting to stop those thoughts even a mantra i am a good person or a song that is happy tomplay over and over to block out the negative. Please be kind to yourself.