When sober I am severely depressed and have seriously had some...bad thoughts. I have stopped speaking to my friends (to be honest, I only have one) and have experienced great loss in the last month.

I have been diagnosed with BiPolar but to be honest I never ever get the good side of BiPolar, no mania, only severe depression. So far I have been in a depressed state for the better part of 3 years now. I am on anti-depressants but they only seem to kill off my emotions and keep me "blah" all the time, when I am not swinging to depression.

I find the only time I can feel sadness, joy, or laughter anymore is when I am self medicating with alcohol or drugs. Under these circumstances I feel normal and happy for a change.

I don't know what to do anymore and I am lost and adrift. I am worried about telling too much of this to my shrink for fear he'll want to hospitalize me when in truth I don't want interference. What I want is to be normal again.

My question to anyone reading this is this: am I the only one self-medicating? What should I tell my shrink and more importantly what is happening to me? Why can't I just go back to where I was before all of this came about? I want to feel emotions again and be happy and not so incredibly messed up all the time.

Right now I am so drunk I am numb (literally) and am the happiest I have been all week. Is this so wrong?