As I walked into session, T was opening a new box of tissues. I asked if that was a bad sign. She said it's funny, as a therapy office, they keep plenty of tissues on hand. Some people will just take one and keep using it until there are holes in it and it is completely drenched in snot. They will not take another one. She said she wants to tell them, you know you can have more than one right?
T said it was strange to see me twice in less than 24 hours. I agreed, although we've done it once before. I showed off that I had gotten the
new Brene Brown book and she said she needed to run out at lunch and get it. Then she said she hasn't finished the first one yet, so she'd wait.
I said I noticed that the client before me was holding The Gifts of Imperfection. She said she just loves her now. I told T not to forget who turned her onto her.
I have to say a big thanks to Elliemay who posted said video, which made me fall in love with her research findings and subsequent conclusions!!
I told her when I left yesterday, I "left" The Emotionally Absent Mother behind and it was like a weight off my shoulders. She said it wasn't completely terrible that I worked through it because I learned some things about myself. I said that I got triggered by things, took it out via emails to her, then got embarrassed that I emailed so much. She said that the reason why she never answered my emails was twofold; one, that she knew I was trying to pull her into a conversation about not giving up on me and she wasn't going to give into it because that would then cause a battle of wills between she and me:
1. "You want to give up on me."
2. "I won't give up on you."
3. "Prove it."
4. "There is no evidence I'm giving up on you."
5. "Yes, there is...XYZ..."
So on and so forth.
Secondly, she wanted me to discover on my own what was triggering my fear of abandonment, which I did yesterday (projecting my mom's/teachers'/etc. giving up on me as a child).
So I asked her what the difference was between answering my question via email and answering it verbally at the end of session. She said I figured out during session yesterday that she wasn't going to give up on me (that I'd already figured it out on my own...or as she put it, "I put on my big girl panties, pulled them up real high, and figured it out all by myself.") and even still, with that knowledge, I verbally asked for reassurance. She saw it as similar to what people do with significant others sometimes; we know our SO's love us, but we still like to hear it sometimes. So, she didn't mind telling me.
She said overall, I am at the stage where I figure out my triggers without getting reassurance about certain things. She said if she always gave reassurance, I'd be dependent upon her forever and neither of us wants that for me. It's true, I don't. I want to be able to say for the first time in my life that I am mentally healthy. She really, really wants me to read the Brene Brown book. She reminded me twice before I left.
That was the gist of the work. I asked her where she was going on vacation. She said to the Virginia mountains. We talked about the mountains as I too love to vacation in the mountains (of TN/NC). She then talked about going on vacation, working for a week, then going out for surgery the week after that. She said that the day the surgeon wanted to perform the surgery was the day they leave for vacation. She told him no, because she moved (the same) vacation in April. So, that was the only time he had left before the end of the year. I told her I knew what the stage 3 and 4 reconstruction surgeries are. After that, I could tell she was nervous; she began fidgeting, playing with her necklace, tugging at her pants, etc. I told her I thought she was done and she said no, she was just putting it off. Then she talked about how the process could have been even longer if she had went with another surgeon who would not have done stage 1 at the same time as her mastectomy (which makes no sense to me). I think the upcoming surgery
is really bothering her.
So as we finished up, I asked if she wanted me to email what I find out at the neurologist tomorrow. She said yes, she did want me to email her because she wanted to know what was going to happen in that regard with me. That meant a lot. I told her to have fun on her trip. I really want that for her.
She deserves it. She's been through (and will be going through with two more procedures) so much with her cancer battle and she's managed to maintain her practice overall. She's a strong lady and I'm proud to say she's my T and helping me grow.