When I was younger there was a lot of violence. My mother and sister were awful to me. They would make fun of me often. My Dad was good but not perfect. I often recall my mother being mean. I talk to her even though I remember these things. She acts as if nothing happened. I try to justify it with her drug habits then. Still I hate her.

I ended up dating this guy. Was with him for four years. He cheated on me and played with my head a lot. I tried to see the good in him. The good was only in the beginning. It ended for the best.

I got married to a different guy. I started talking to him before ending my miserable relationship. We had agreed I would leave for him. Everything was wonderful and going so well after we got married. Then one night we were talking and I found out he had sex with someone else in the beginning after our agreement. We werent dating when it happened. Its just my personality doesnt allow me to forget when someone hurts me like that.

I often think about people. Family,friends, relationships. They mean nothing to me. Sometimes I wonder if I love my husband or anyone else. I usually call upon people when I begin thinking about how much better things would be if I would just die. I would never kill myself though.

Some days I feel great and everything is wonderful. I am able to forget about my past and all of the pain. I don't think about how people who say they love me can hurt the way they have.

I cannot let them off. I generally think of someone good until they hurt me. I never forgive them.

The good days are followed by days where I feel lost. I dont know who I am or what I want. Usually I dont want anything. I sit in complete silence alone and am content. The following after going through the feelings of numbness I am overwhelmed by intense feelings. Sometimes these feelings are love. Sometimes they are of hatred or deep sadness. Some days I find to be completely unbearable.

My husband usually cannot tell what I am feeling. I usually put on a happy face or act that fools him to thinking I am fine. I know im not. Im not fine. Its only a matter of time before he leaves or hurts me just like all of the rest. I wont forget that he already has though.

I do not wish to have friends. I hate being social. I hate people. I hate confrontation. I hate being myself. I hate everything right now. Who knows though. A couple days from now I may look at this and have no idea what I was feeling or why. I cannot control my emotions and often cry. I do not know what I want.

When I was a little kid I would often pray in hopes that I could be taken away. I am still here where I do not want to be. I wish I could trade live wiith someone ill who would be more thankful for living than me.