I wish that I knew how to explain myself. Right now, I'd say that I hardly feel anything. It's a numb self-hatred. I normally feel more intensely. I was in therapy for a couple of months last spring. My therapist said that I obviously feel things more intensely than other people, but that it's okay, and I can learn to use that to my benefit.

To explain, I never get kind of sad or kind of upset. If I'm sad, I want to kill myself. If I'm upset, I throw things and want to hurt myself and other people. If I'm happy, I can't sit still and I talk fast and loud, and jump all around everywhere. Then I have this feeling where I'm doing things with no emotion. I go through emotions and actions so quickly I don't know what's going on. For example, today, I had a flirty internet chat with this 30 year old man I met online (I'm 17). I've been lying to him about my age, however. I feel really guilty about this, but I've been doing this sort of thing with different guys for years. Since I was about 13 years old. I then had a really excited conversation with my parents about tonight's tv shows and the new iPhone. I don't remember what was said, but about five minutes later, I was in an uncontrollable rage. I broke a few things, hit both of my parents and my cat, and I said a whole bunch of hurtful things. I then laid down on the ground and cried before collecting myself and going to my bathroom to cut myself. By the time I started cutting, I had really calmed down. Sometimes I am overwhelmed by a strong feeling - almost a need to hurt myself, but I don't always have the resources at those times, so I scratch or pinch myself to feel pain, and then after I cool down, I continue to cut just because. And then I feel numb.

I felt all of these emotions within 20 minutes. It is normal for me to experience a lot of mood swings in a day - at least two or three. A lot of people excuse it for being a teenager, but I think that I have been done with puberty for years. I had a pubescent mood swing phase when I was about 12/13 (after starting menstruation at age 11). I had a period of about one year where I did not experience angry outbursts that are really common for me now. I just felt inwardly sad and insecure. Things have gotten a lot worse in the past two years, and I don't know what could possibly be wrong with me. I'm not in therapy now. My parents aren't interested in the money or time investment, and they think it's just extra stuff that will stress me out. I also had a hard time being completely honest with my therapist, so it kind of defeated the point.