ahahhhhahhahhahahhahha
know what scares me to death?
not getting better.
to be in my mid 20's and still be stuck.
to be missing out on all the fun i could be having.
to not be able to get thiese moments back.
to know i am not building a relationship with my father as he lies waiting.
the thoughts i have that he is just like any other stranger...whats the differnts.
to know iam the reason we dont have a relastionship.
to know i have to make the steps before its to late..
to know im not going to make ANY effort.. not because i dont love him. i must if this is causing me so much stress,right? but you know what? i dont care.
my anger towards the ones i love.
going to jail.. getting out and being right back here. f**K it eh
the thought of my mother or younger brother overdoseing.
forgetting my grandmother.rip. whats the point in remembering jf u cant beat the pain.
going insane.
being Alone for to much longer.
being put on the spot infront of people.
looking like a fool.
*NOT getting out in life*
not being able to overcome my fears.
death.
continuing to live like this.........................

this is soo f**king stupid. i know what have to do.
am i wrong for distracting myself from the thoughts of doing things i need to do,if it hurts to think about it?
because i can do thiese things...
but i wont be confertable doing them.
truthfully i dont know whats holding me back.
is it lazyness.
is it the comfert issue.
is it being afraid.
it hurts because i DO care,
I fool myself into thinking things dont matter,
haha this is not a post of somone who is strong.
man this sucks

ok ok....i guess what i want is some insperation some confermation that this cant possibly last forever. maybe some dierction. i feel like i have to make myself strong and feeling better before i can deal with this...
i try by exercise, and taking care of myself but,i have done this in the past and i only gained more frustration.
i dont know where to start i get overwhelmed. please please any suggestions are much appreciated.
simple things like moving out or being sober are to big of steps for me to take. i need to start small.
maybe just taking the the big steps is the first thing i need. i NEeD StrEngTh!!
i know im asking alot. Any support is welcome and needed.
much love to ALL.
hang in there, friends?
-telb