I've done so well for the past several weeks, month or so
Occasional slide, a few hours, an occasional sleepless night kept awake by my never-ending turbulent thoughts but that's it. Handling things fairly well, or so I thought.
It felt good answering threads, appearing to help people, being able to say I understand without being in the depths of despair myself.
It's strange how the mind works. When I feel bad, it seems never ending, so painful, in total anguish. When I feel okay, even good on occasion, it's so easy to pretend the despair wasn't real. I convince myself that I'm healing, getting better, it won't return.
But it always does, it has.
I know I'm not alone in my despair, but I feel so lonely
I want to reach out for help, but to who?
He left me, completely vulnerable, the first person I'd trusted in ages. Why did I do it? I'd been fine.....for years. Lonely, true, but in control. Problems? Sure, but I could deal. I could cope. I had for so long. He stripped that from me. Now I'm nothing but a worthless shell trying to hold on for dear life.
Why have I felt somewhat okay recently? The move? Being constantly busy? Must be. Now my life is settling down and it's all returning with a vengeance.
I can't let this destroy me. My family is depending on me. But how? At times, I don't even feel like I care. Just let them all go to hell.
I have to survive, but how? How can I stop the slide downward? How have I stopped it before? Tonight, I was putting away some medicines from a box and came across a sleeping pill I was prescribed years ago when I had knee replacement surgery. I found myself Googling what I would need to overdose, to stop this madness, to stop the pain.
When I was young, I was or tried to be religious. It was a way to escape my problems. With my mom, from being bullied at school. It gave me a small amount of comfort among all the craziness. I have tried, over and over again, and I cannot regain that comfort. What God would allow such injustice? Allow ANYONE to hurt so?
I am sorry for my rant, my vent, my friends. It is the only release I have. The only thing that is keeping me from total despair.