--- I guess me believing in that of my good things that are an a illusions are part of my PTSD-- (this was per my ex-t she mentioned "many women she has worked with that are like me, are like this too" of course this is the therapist that also strongly believed i am bipolar.. so idk-- i did look and some of this part of PTSD....)

I get it sort of but then I don't....

What I mean by illusions is---
Simplistically -- I keep waiting to get smacked down. (the on edge feeling I suppose)

With me specifically a big one is- Like I have a good relationship with my S/O- No it is not perfect and I don't expect it to be, we are both humans with our own things to work on, our own little things that are just each other....
However I will at times when, I guess triggered by something, depending on what it is (i have this with out triggers of what i know of as well), I will believe that well-- it is all a lie, we don't have a good relationship, that he is just using me, tricking me, and is going to back stab/underhand/hurt me eventually in some way

My S/O -- with the recent thing with me which we talked about, that he has asked that I give him a list of triggers-- part of me is like yeah!, this is going to be a working progress.. This lets HIM know more about me to try to work with me in our relationship, and This Helps me also know some, and it also is me sharing/exposing myself to him--- another big part of me is like-- he will use this to hurt me.
here is the recent thing--
http://forums.psychcentral.com/showthread.php?t=244970

I guess I am still processing this all, with our talk yesterday...

I already have debated with myself with things that I have already told him (i.e. the recent thing I let him know that I felt very betrayed with him indulging a trigger to his parents)
I even told him that To Me - it does not make sense to a big part of me that I am telling him that due to it just gives him more information on me to use against me, but another part of me is telling me to tell him that so perhaps I can grow with this all-- let him know that hurt.. that way he does not do it again.

My S/O is great, it is shown time and time again he is supportive for me...

I just am having such a hard time right now with not feeling like a fool (For many reason)...

i tear myself apart and down with this from time to time....

I get angry with myself that we have been together for, it is coming up to 4 years, and still I am having trust issues with him...

I feel like a fool for the above post link; I feel like a fool due to I actually believed he was going to break up with me and everything is working out (sort of)..however at times... sometimes I am like he is waiting for the lease to end (we have till March 2013) and then he will break up with me.. i realize that i was triggered but i am upset that i was not able to control my mind, my head, emotions... i know I am still processing a lot of this stuff...

IDK i guess I am getting this out, trying not to dwell on it..

I think eventially I will give him a list of things, he already knows some of them-- and he explained some of them with him, that I should not take so personal

I.e. he says he will get up and does not--
he is getting older these days, 5 hours of sleep is not enough, he has trouble getting to sleep early, and admittedly i am aware he is not the healthiest-- He says this because he wants to do both-- sleep and hang out with me... I get upset Some Times about this -- other times i am very understanding of all of it...
I asked him to not say he will get up-- I tell him, it is upsetting due to I don't ask him to, but he tells me he will, and then he does not--

I am sorry if that (the waking up example) seems childish
some times I see it as a "red flag"; other times I don't.

ugh-- which is another thing-- I get contemplative on what is what-- what is real and what is not... I am not sure if that goes with illusion or delusion

I know my ex-t said-- so simplistically like it is so easy to do-- but just remind myself of the good times when I get this way...
some times this does help I will admit.. some times it does... I suppose these are the times that I catch my self early with this sort of thinking...
Other times, I twist those IF i can remember them in the times, as in the plan to destroy me..... (chuckles at myself due to that is sooo "the world revolves around me" thinking, and it is silly-- and yet is very serious at the same time.. i have cried enough about this, so chuckling is good in away-- ).... And other times I seem to be genially unable to think of the good things in such times..
and I have thought well maybe a physical visable thing for me would help with this "reminding myself of good"
Ya know, I know my ring that i wear, some times that helps-- inside it says "S/o loves Beauflow" ok our real names but still... he had that inscribed.. other times it does not... some times I am like what is love, I don't feel love... which is one of the worst feelings some times..

Any suggestions with being grounded with this more is helpful...

Any one that feels the same many and don't be afraid to say something if so--- get it out... I am learning getting it out helps a little