I would assume that this is the most appropriate forum to post this in, and I hope that you all will be able to give me some useful information on this subject matter. If not, I hope that you can direct me to an area that will help me out. I had considered posting in the trauma forum, but I thought that it might be triggering for the vulnerable folk in there.

I had psych testing done 2 years ago and I had it done 10.5 months ago at the treatment center I'm at now (and almost finished with) and both times it came up with ASPD. I struggle with it having come up with this diagnosis. Because I both do and do not fit this diagnosis. I hope that I will be able to explain why in an accurate way. I've been trying to research on the internet to get accurate answers to my questions, but it's been difficult, and my therapists have avoided answering my questions, or give me conflicting answers. Some of them don't believe I fit the diagnosis, others believe I fit it to a T, and others avoid talking to me about it so I don't know where they stand.

Let me begin by saying that my current diagnosis is: Bipolar, BPD, ASPD, and EDNOS anorexic type.

I have experienced various forms of trauma for the majority of my life. My parents have always been inconsistent in their parenting styles and messages, emotionally and physically abusive. They taught me how to be anorexic. They took me to have plastic surgery when I was very young. When I was in 2nd grade SOMETHING happened to me. I don't know what, no one will tell me. That entire era is a giant block in my memory. I don't know if my mother knows or if she just won't tell me. She only says that for the whole year I came home from school crying every day and I would cry all night. From then on I experienced abuse in my adolescence and in early university.

Since I was younger, I've had these...thoughts and urges. I see violent images in my head all the time. I fantasize about it. I have sexual thoughts and urges that both terrify and excite me. When I was in elementary school a girl on the bus called me a ***** and I kicked her in the stomach so hard that I broke 2 of her ribs, and I remember feeling pure bliss, because I heard them break. I never got in trouble over it because I was so little (I'm very short), that the administrators assumed the girl was bullying me because she was 2 grades ahead of me. I've always gotten in to a lot of fights, but as I'm fighting and start to beat people, the bliss I feel over it starts to scare me so I stop. In high school a kid told me that I was weak, and I had 2 freshly sharpened pencils in my bag so I stabbed him in the arm with them, and again I felt happy over it. My senior year of high school I planned on killing my parents. I don't even know why. But I told my friend about it, and told my friend I was going to buy a gun and do it. I guess I told my friend because I was afraid of myself and what I felt I was capable of doing. So my friend called the cops and they came and searched my house believing I had a gun. My parents were afraid of me when they found out about what I wanted to do. I don't know if they still are scared of me, that was a long time ago now. I haven't been violent in a long time. I was never diagnosed with conduct disorder because my parents never believed in psychiatric treatment (I showed signs of depression and bipolar as a young child).

I just...struggle in my head a lot. I often feel evil. Because when I start to think about doing violent acts and the evil sexual things, I begin to feel so incredibly happy because of it. It's this massive high that I get off of it. When I'm driving down the street and a pedestrian starts to cross the street, I catch myself starting to speed up and I have to make myself stop.

But I guess this is where I get confused. It's not that I care about other people. I have difficulty empathizing with people in general. I empathize with friends and family when I'm "in the mood" to...if that makes any sense? I can be extremely empathetic when I want to. But I am terrified of what I feel I'm capable of doing. If I let the beast inside me come out...I feel I would do awful things. Evil things. And I struggle with that. Because it makes me so damn happy, but it scares me at the same time. This is something I've kept inside me my whole life and it has taken me up until I'm nearly turning 26 to mildly discuss with my therapist. Because I'm so terrified of it. And I don't know what to think about it.

So, I suppose...part of me doesn't feel it's a "true" ASPD diagnosis. Maybe it popped up because of the violent urges and stuff. But from what I've researched, ASPD people don't feel the way I do about those thoughts/urges (well they may/do feel happy, but they don't feel scared later), or maybe I'm misinformed about it. My therapist said that my thoughts and urges could be a developmental response to the trauma I've endured, but then my research said that there's a theory that ASPD can develop from trauma, so I'm confused on that also.

I understand if you all can't give me complete answers, but I was hoping that maybe someone could give me some perspective. Since, obviously, none of my therapists have ASPD...I suppose I thought asking people who have the diagnosis could give me a bit more clarity on the subject I guess? I have a massive science brain, so when I have a question...I just want a freaking answer...o.O