Today did not go as expected. My ability to be flexible is diminished as i get more depressed and anxious. When situations change unexpectedly, I must change and bend to accommodate that change.

I am not very pliable these days. I feel like I am filled to the rim with negative emotions, so much so it is hard to even move. Since I am having trouble even moving, how can I be expected to bend and become flexible?

Life can be cruel.

Yet I live to fight another day. Damn it.

I appreciate your concern and support. I MUST find time an energy to take steps to make me feel better.

Once I get the courage and energy to face the disaster hat is my kitchen, I will go int he cabinet and get a scented candle and light it just for me. Maybe I will also do some inspirational reading or, (as bizarre as it sounds), just sit and hug myself.

Maybe I could even convince me to do a mindfulness exercise or two.

It is weird how when I am depressed, I desperately want to feel better, but there seems to be this force inside me that prevents me from doing anyhing that would actually make me feel better.

I did go out today to try to make me feel better. But I blew it when I went out. I spent literally hundreds of dollars that I do not have. Now, I have stuff that might make me feel a little better, but I am worried about the fallout from the expense. If things do not work out , this shopping spree will make me homeless. I knew that when I did it, but I did it anyway.

How stupid is that?

I hate me. I hate BPD. I cried and cried today, including in public. I have gotten so used to crying in public, that it no longer embarrasses me the way it once did. I simply explained to folks that I was having an emo day and to not worry about it. It was surprisingly easy, considering.

Anyway, just checking in. Hopefully this oppressive cloud of doom will lift soon and I can go back to my normal state of being: quietly depression mixed with bursts of anxiety. YeeHah!

Sigh.