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Sep 14, 2012, 10:27 AM
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Member Since: Sep 2012
Location: usa
Posts: 454
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I have often felt the same way about this dx. Even though I know the dx hasn't changed the person I am I feel different somehow.
I keep going by telling myself that there is no other choice. The only choice I have is to be the victor. I am not giving up no matter how scary, ******, terrifying, ridiculous, overwhelming things get because somehow I have convinced myself that I am worth the fight I give to stay afloat. You are also worth all of the efforts you put forth.
When I look at my son I know that he is at the center of that. He needs me. I'm his mom. (Even though sometimes I think it is me who needs him)
There are numerous reasons to keep going- I think about how when things seem impossible and I plow through them or make the wrongs right that they are not impossible. When I get overwhelmed I think about all of the stuff that I have been through in my life and how they brought me to the place that I am now. That place is not always pleasant, but it is the world I live in and I know that there is some way I fit into it, even if I can't verbalize how.
There has been drama and heartache and frightened moments, unexplainable behaviors, being scared shitless of myself, self hatred, confusion, contradictions...but also appreciation. For the heartache that makes me grateful for what I have, the multifaceted nature of this woman that I have become that feels connections with people, nature, and refuses to give up.
Somehow it seems clear that there are things that we are put here to do even though it isn't always clear as to how to get there but at some point it becomes a manageable objective. We push on. Its what we must do.
"After climbing a great hill, one only finds that there are many more hills to climb."
- Nelson Mandela
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