Hey MDD,

I'm sorry to hear you had another rough day. It may not mean much, but this too shall pass...The impermanence of our feelings seem so distant to us. Our very core is telling us that we will feel this way forever! Our lack of coping skills and self-comfort make it so difficult to find adequate means of getting through them...we instantly turn toward the path of desparation and panic. We are trapped in that room again, yet cornered in...

I think it wonderful that you lit a candle, cried and thought about hugging yourself. We have to be so gentle with ourselves and treat ourselves as someone we truly love, unconditionally. Someone who IS healing. (I am far from being there). I can only offer that the best way that I've found recently of comforting myself is to do nice things for my senses. I don't have this mastered and it takes a lot of work and patience with myself. This sounds extremely visceral but it's effective, it also helps me experience things more completely.
Here are a few things I can offer that I've tried as self-soothing in the past few days:
Make some 'comfort' food (for example mine is grilled cheese sandwiches). I baked chocolate chip cookies and let the smell fill my house, tasted them, experienced them. Put on my favorite comfy sweatpants and really tried to feel the warm, soft material against my skin, put on my favorite flannel shirt. Wrap up in a soft blanket and stretch out my legs, breathe deep and cuddle the blanket. Streamed some ambient nature, jungle or rainstorm sounds/music from the internet. Made some peppermint tea. Sat outside on my porch and smelled the crisp autumn air. I try to focus on nothing else...When I try to do this, my feelings are still there...overwhelmingly so, but I am trying to treat myself with compassion. It's a start.
We are so fragile. You deserve to experience universal love, love from us and others, love from yourself. We are not all we have, we are not alone, you are not alone.
We just have to be gentle with ourselves in this cruel world.

As far as your purchases, can you take them back and get your money back? If not, ...things will work out; financial worries are valid worries. Try to remind yourself that you didn't do anything wrong though, you were trying to comfort yourself in a way you best knew how. Why else do we buy nice things but to try and make ourselves happy? Buyer's remorse is a real dilemna, we feel powerless over our ability to change past decisions...we can accept and move forward which is so much easier said than done, if I could accept things I can't change I'd be a lot happier. You observed yourself and are asking for help...this is the epitome of courge in my opinion! All I ask is that you be gentle with yourself. You are still on your way to recovery, we can't expect perfection from ourselves...otherwise we wouldn't have problems in the first place. Progress is not perfection.
I hope your day is better today.