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Originally Posted by Aanga
. . . I empathize with friends and family when I'm "in the mood" to...if that makes any sense? I can be extremely empathetic when I want to. But I am terrified of what I feel I'm capable of doing. If I let the beast inside me come out...I feel I would do awful things. Evil things. And I struggle with that. Because it makes me so damn happy, but it scares me at the same time. This is something I've kept inside me my whole life and it has taken me up until I'm nearly turning 26 to mildly discuss with my therapist. Because I'm so terrified of it. And I don't know what to think about it.
...I suppose I thought asking people who have the diagnosis could give me a bit more clarity on the subject I guess? I have a massive science brain, so when I have a question...I just want a freaking answer...o.O
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Have you researched dissociation and the effects of trauma in general? I've never acted out my "evil side" very much -- but I understand the fear and the feeling that "I am evil". I don't feel that way currently, very much -- thanks to therapy. DX was DDNOS and PDNOS. Therapy for dissociation consists of bring that "part" into the therapy room and other such . . . you can find that online, too. I'm still working on the PDNOS -- not out of the woods yet but not giving up either.
There's lots of good info on the internet and books these days, so hopefully you can find the information you need to help yourself -- and maybe help your therapist help you, too? If the current one can't handle it, look for a specialist. I found a couple of them who could.