I'm sorry you are hurting so much about this. Can you talk about this with your therapist? Do you have a good relationship, or is that maybe something else that needs to change? This sounds like the kind of rage I have had sometimes that related to (old, childhood) unresolved stuff. As awful as it is right now, do you think that maybe having your rage triggered could be an opportunity to get better understanding and "working through" of the original stuff? Which, for me, sometimes meant it got worse before it got better, but then it got REALLY better.