I made it to work, but can't deal, can't focus, want to leave already.

It's a corp, we own equally. There is not anyone else in line or even willing to take on what we do. I can't remove her, she tried about 10 years ago to remove me, I was in depression and not pulling my weight, the lawyer said not possible. Since then, she's tried to be very supportive, trying to get me to take some months off, with pay, to get well. But for the past couple years we've been on a skeleton crew and can't afford to pay me and someone else to do my job.

I can't freeze her cards because she could just call up and order new ones. She's the older one, I've always been more quiet and behind the scenes. She's always been more out-going and better at running the business. I'm terrified to talk to her about this, I feel panicky just thinking about it, I even start shaking, sick to my stomach. Will her boyfriend be there with her? Probably, and he's my customer, a large account, very tricky. I'm worried to trigger her as well. Especially if she's overseas, what sort of hospital would she go to, what sort of treatment, when would they let her out?

I don't know how to make it through this day. I've now fully started smoking again, and want to just go somewhere away from here and smoke. I'm trying to take it hour by hour, minute by minute, second by second. But the minutes keep passing and I can't even wrap my head around what are the most important tasks I should get done while I'm here. I feel like I need to run away from here.

Regarding the kids, yes their dad is awesome, I love him dearly. He is a good dad, though he must be going crazy too with everything she is doing. The kids will be safe with him, but they will not be ok without their mom. She asked me to take them about a week ago because she said the dad was freaking out. She knows what my house is like right now with my older son's violence and drug use, so I know she wasn't thinking straight when she asked me that, plus it was in a text at 3am.

Why does breathing feel like such a chore right now! I will try some yoga.