You haven't explained how she wasn't "with" you. What did she do that triggered you so badly?

I don't know how it feels to be so strongly attached to anyone, therapist included. I do know how it feels to feel "robbed"--like having a therapist fall asleep while you're talking, show up late to your appointment, or spend the hour talking about her vacation while you think about suicide. Such breaches of decorum hurt, sometimes really bad. That's why I don't see the utility in looking for even more reasons to feel pain. Maybe it's not something you feel you can help?