Likewise. I will ruin it anyway. Then I won't just have one hurting person, but two...The distorted perceptions of positivity sound about right. Also, you mentioned you never thought you were lovable, I relate to this. I fortunately have a partner who is a constant fixture of approval and support. I can't help but wonder sometimes if she is a masochist for sticking with me all these years. heh...

This also brings me back to thinking about invalidation. If we were never validated as being lovable we thus have a poor sense of ourselves as lovable.

For instance, I was constantly criticized as a kid and my emotions were inconvenient and punishable by law...My very core and sense of 'lovable self' was invalid...thus I'm invalid to even myself. (Not that I blame or resent anyone for 'doing it to me' but I can't help but think that it's a common theme for people like us)..Can you relate at all? Does this make any sense?