Hi I just joined this site, I was just looking for somewhere to complain about my problems. Feel free to try and help or not that ok too. The thing is i've never really talked to anyone seriously about me. Not close friends, my family, a therapist, or even in a forum before. Maybe thats because i've never felt very close/open with any of those people before. I'm 20 years old, I feel like i've been constantly depressed since 6th or 7th grade. When i was younger i entertained thoughts of suicide but after awhile I realized I would rather live sad and alone than not live at all.

By any definition my life hasn't been that bad, I grew up well off and had some friends here and there, but I think the main cause for my feelings is that I am just so terribly awkward with people. Also, I have a complete lack of motivation for anything. I am in college and I'm supposed to be finding out who I am and what I want out of life and the only answer I've come up with is Nothing. I don't want anything. I hate every single class that I take, and every possible profession seems boring at best. I can't even take one of those personality tests because none of the questions make any sense to me. How can one be just one type of person? Introverted or Extroverted? Well I can be both, it just depends. I see all these people with just one personality and that's who they will be everyday and I just don't get it. I don't fit in anywhere

I feel no passion towards anything or anybody in my life. you know, i used to get crushes on certain girls in school and I'd have intense feelings of respect and admiration for them, but now even though I find many girls I interact with sexually attractive, I feel nothing except a very dull desire to sleep with them.

I feel like I'm becoming agoraphobic. I do not like to go to public places, they make me incredibly uncomfortable. I was a member of a fraternity for a year and I lived in a "Party House". Sometimes I would binge drink and become very social and content for the night but other times I would lock myself in my room because I didnt want to be around anybody. Now I live with my parents. I've switched to online classes because I hate the idea of sitting in a classroom with unknown people so much. I have stage fright, giving presentations in front of a class of people makes me sweat and panic. It's very rare for me to start a conversation with someone and if I do that conversation is usually only the pleasantries( Hi whats your name, how are you... and so forth) After that I don't no what else to say. Also I've always thought that the responsibility of talking to people has always fallen on to me. I've wondered, Why doesn't anyone come up to me to talk? I've realized its because in public I must seem pretty intimidating, I don't smile, I have developed an emotionless face and and a next to monotone way of talking.

I still have friends(who generally have a pretty high opinion of me) but I'm miles away from a girlfriend. Basically I'm worried that after college I'm going to end up alone and miserable. Even though I don't seem to even feel misery anymore, I'm just indifferent which seems worse.

Anyways I could go on for pages but I think i've made my point.
comment or no i did what i came here to do which is to share my feelings for the first time in my life.