I have suicidal thoughts everyday, it's really helpful to have outside support. I'm so sorry that it sounds like you arnt getting the support you need. My family only found out I had a problem after I couldn't take it anymore. I think it was upsetting for them to get a call from the hospital saying I tried to kill myself and that I had been admitted. But I know what works for me might not work for you. I just want you to know that it doesn't always have to be a secret. For me talking about it a lot has helped release me from the power of my suicidal thoughts and urges. But whatever you decide to do I think you are doing a great job. You know what symptoms you have and you know what you would like to change. And you are posting here getting help and support and you are getting help elsewhere. Those are huge steps, you are miles ahead of me when I was dealing with my first major depressive episode in high school. I wish I could give you a pat on the back. I know you must not feel great but you really are doing a good job from what I hear you saying. You must be a strong person, perhaps stronger than you realize, to be able to get through all this from day to day.