i'd gone something like at least 4 months w/out self-harm until today. i'd come close many times before and i have felt the urge a lot but it figured there's no point anymore b/c it doesn't make my pain go away in the long run. but for some reason today i was just feeling kind of spaced-out and blank and numb so i just thought ok, damnit i going to self-harm, i'm going to do it. so i went to the bathroom and i didn't have a decent instrument to do it with, only my navel ring and it's not completely healing yet so i can't take that out and my fingernails are too short to scratch properly. so i used the metal bit in my watch and dung it in my skin and twisted it around and dragged it along really slow and hard. i left quite deep scratchs as i can still see the red marks now. i left relief and focus for about 20 minutes or so, but then the urge just came back. but i didn't do it the second time, i've had enough for now. i don't really understand why i did it, i just hope i don't do it again. i'm confused, sometimes i'm happy but i just can't seem to shake these old habits.