I'm sorry, Button. This must be really hard.
As a reformed-wayward partner, I can tell you (and you probably already know) that it's possible for a person to take a horrible action and use it as an opportunity for positive change. But I also know that this is likely a massive trigger, and brings up all sorts of trust issues and fears. We have such a hard time trusting our Ts to begin with, and an affair is just the right trigger to bring up concerns about blind trust.
I think it will be essential for you to know some of her side of the story, mostly because this really hits close to home for you. (And as others said, I'd be wary of a friend who would say this as basically the first thing tat comes to mind about a person in response to an innocent question.) I think normally a T should be careful with disclosure, but in this case it's going to be necessary for you to trust her. I know I told my H all kinds of things in the aftermath of what I did that I would just never have told him normally (not just affair stuff, but other things), knowing that it was a way to help him get in my head and see that I was trying to change and do right by him and that there wasn't anything going on. It obviously shouldn't be this intense between a T and client, but what I am saying is that more disclosure than usual may have to happen.
By the way, I know a good website for dealing with issues of infidelity. PM me if you want the link. It has its own pros and cons, but it helped me understand what my H was going through.
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Originally Posted by button30
I don't know her well enough, I have only seen her three times so I feel like I shouldn't be the one to tell hero
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I did want to point out that this is the reason a lot of betrayed partners don't find out about their cheating partner until the affair is well underway. I know some would rather have not known at all, but the ones who did get frustrated that people knew and didn't tell them, because "it wasn't any of my business." I know it's not the same thing, but this obviously is your business in its own way. I'm just saying that passing the buck isn't really going to help anyone, including you.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this. It's awful. And I think it would be ok if you decided you couldn't deal with it, if you weren't ready. If you're not ready to forgive your partner, it might be hard to forgive a stranger. I'd liken it to the ex-spouse of a drug addict, finding out that their T used to be an addict. Depending on where that person is in their healing, they may or may not be able to deal with a T that directly triggers that pain.
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Originally Posted by MAL10
I was in a very similar situation with my T and as I'd been going to the same T for a couple of years - i felt like i had no choice but to bring up what i had heard. I didn't go into detail and just explained that i had found something out and i felt it had to be out in the open if i was to continue.
My T said i could ask anything I wanted regarding the situation - i didn't want to know anything further so said it wasn't necessary.
I couldn't pass judgement because I had only heard one side of the story and we all have pasts which we learn from.
My T checked in a couple of times with me after to make sure I was alright about everything and has always left it open for discussion.
It took a massive weight off my shoulders and we made the decision together whether we both felt we could continue, but my T never asked what I had heard, or who had told me - she was more focused on me and how it had affected me. I would highly recommend discussing it - it shouldn't be a burden that you have to carry.
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This is a great story, thank you for sharing it! I think a lot can be said about the T just by the way she responds. If she uses language that takes responsibility for the action itself, no matter how unhappy the marriage might have been (there's no excuse to cheat; a person can always leave instead), and acknowledges how much a discovery like that can hurt a client who has been betrayed herself, it can really work.