Quote:
Originally Posted by skysblue
What I would add to this, though, is that even if some of the 'facts' are 'true', we still do not know exactly what caused the actions.
I will give my example. I left my husband in an out-of-character (for me) way. It was a rash and quick decision. There was a LOT, a LOT leading up to it. Those are the facts and no one would be able to deny those facts.
I was judged harshly and severely by everybody. No one, not one person, asked me why I had done it. My H got all the sympathy and I got all the scorn. They didn't know what I had lived through and I am still condemned even though I have returned. I have a black mark forever on my forehead or maybe a scarlet letter.
Your T may have done something you find wrong but you do not know the whole story just like others do not know my story. Please, do not judge, lest you be judged.
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While I think it's important to keep in mind that it may not be true at all that T was unfaithful, I think it's also important to remember that this is a trigger issue, not just a question of morality.
For still-hurting betrayed partner, it can be very hard to accept the "reasons" that someone might cheat. I think leaving someone is very different -- there are lots of good reasons to up and leave someone, and I'm truly sorry no one wanted to hear why you left. From what I know of you, you thought it through and wouldn't have done it out of nowhere.
But, there aren't really any good reasons to cheat. Assuming it actually happened, anyway, which we shouldn't.
I know it was a long time before my H could hear about the things that were going on with me that caused me to do what I did, or caused anyone to cheat for that matter. He needed to get past the feeling of being betrayed and violated first, then he could acknowledge that the situation in our relationship were very bad -- partly (mostly, really, and he would agree with me about this) because of him.
I don't see Button judging (yet). I just see a hurt, triggered response. Button, I hope you will see though that many of the responses your are getting have one thing in common: talk to your T about it before you make any decisions!