 First I would like to say good morning with a smile. I recently signed up for this site, I have been connected through FB but not involved physically, just observing mentally. With that being said, this is my 1st time here, so Good Day! After I just read your blog/diary I feel for you as well as myself. I have MCD & GAD, major chronic depression and general anxiety disorder. I have been depressed for 6 yrs. It sucks. To put it bluntly. My anxiety, I used to only get, I emphasize only because now it is called "Dreaded Anxiety" when I did have the attacks I would get light headed & feel like I was losing ground, panicking. Now, I start to blackout, I feel for sure I am going to die of a heart attack & I think I have now convinced 1 of my specialists to give me a stress test & EKG. I feel just like you do, I cry 365 days/nights a year, I get physically ill so bad, I am constantly lonely (but yet my wedding anniversary is next weekend.) Almost everyday, I want to leave, hell, I threatened to leave, but I haven't yet left, I bet you can say, yeah, I know what that is like! Right!! Thing is I keep going over the senario like, WOW, I am not in my 20's anymore, I have major medical problems, on disability for the past 6 years, OMG, how can I do this, I can't....Then I go about my day, depressed as usual. I have a daughter that is almost 30 and son that is 28 & I here, what is keeping you there? Well, I don't want to hurt someone, then I hear, but, you already are, you are hurting yourself.
So, I will tell you what I hear from my daughter, counselor & PCP, they say, you are not dead, you woke up this morning, you can see, hear, smell & taste, dispite your medical issues you still can move around and walk. Do you ever look @ it that way? There are so many days where I can say, I can't take this anymore, I am going to go through my things, downsize my stuff because Lord knows, I can't take it all with me, and that is because I have done sooo much therapy shopping, I am looking like a hoarder or starting to become one my daughter says. Then the day comes to a close, I have packed & brought one more box to Goodwill, but I am still here......so what is my problem, I am just not as strong of a person anymore, but, I hear that the strength WE NEED comes from within & so does the happiness WE so much deserve. You know, I wish I could be there and see you, I would tell you that I know how you feel. And, I am a great listener & give good advice I am told, but, I should be taking my own advice like I take daily medication to live. Anywho, listen, I know you are alone, your family is far away, ask your self 1 question at a time, can I change any part about the way I am living? If just one thing comes to your mind, write that down, think about it off & on through the day, as it comes to mind, try to figure out just 1 more way to bring that to reality. An example would be like, well, I really haven't spoke to so and so in a very long time or I left (whoever) without really explaining why. Think on that. Then, think, ok, I say I have no family, but, I do have some relatives 1000 miles away but we haven't spoke, think on how you can or write a letter. OH< by the way, go to youtube right now, put on the song by Wilson Philips called just one more day, sit back, stop reading for a moment and listen to that song & if you have to listen 1 more time and save to your favorites, go right ahead! I did.
I just read your blog 1 more time. I have to ask, you say you are basically emtionally beat up several times a day & live with a very mean & cruel man, right? Why? You have no kids, you mention that you pay bills with your money, right? You also say you took the time, looked up the phone # & called a women's shelter, right? That tells me, you have taken the 1st few steps to get FREE! Do Not Stop there. I used to volunteer & sometimes do for the homeless shelter in my state. I met a lady there that runs the shelter & know for a fact that she does everything in her power to find housing b4 you leave the shelter. If someone else in the shelter has a child, they will get an apartment 1st. You have to call the Shelter. You should stop by, if you drive, do you drive? Shelters ALWAYS need volunteer help, so much to do and the people there usually don't help to much, because from 9am to 5pm they have to be gone. If I were you, I would contact them ASAP. As soon as they have a placement open, GO and do not look back, you have nothing to look back to except pain & agony. When you go to the shelter they are going to have you fill out a form & ask a bunch of questions. It will all stay private. BUT, they will not just say in 10 days, ok, time up see you later, NO, they don't. They have what you call Outreach Programs & that is where your help comes in. They will take your income & figure what you can afford & Shelters also have housing of their own, Shelters do not usually mention that they have what they call "Transitional Housing". And apartment buildings they run so the people that go to the shelter (like you for safety reasons) they will help you and get you on track. If you are on a disability program where you get a monthly check, then start to use the resources. And remember, the shelter is not going to throw you to the dogs in 10 days.
Well, got to close now, I wish you the best, please let me know how things are coming along, if I can be of help I will. Take care and God Bless YOU.
Thanks for sharing your story !
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