I am new to this website and I just had some questions regarding a few things that I do in my life and how they may effect or help my condition(s).

I have been diagnosed with Major Depression, I do not take medication anymore, I have not had a "bad" episode or anything like that in about 4 years. However I smoke copious amounts of marijuana .. everyday. Threw these 4 years I have been personally happier and more positive then I ever have been. I have a good job, I have a car, savings account, retirement accounts, I pay my bills and I have a small place to live that I take care of. I suppose I am trying to show that I am at least semi responsible.

I however see many things that marijuana effects in my daily life. I am absolutely positively less sociable then me "normal". I am not a very outgoing person to begin with but it is even harder to be outgoing when I have smoked. I often prefer to be alone, do quiet solitary hobbies and/or non personal social interactions. (video games, chat rooms, etc.) I am a lot like this when I do not smoke, I am a very quiet solitary person, but it wasn't a chore to be sociable. I also have noticed that my marijuana abuse leads to me saying, "oh screw it" OR "I'll do it later" when it's things that should and must be done now. This leads to more anxiety and what not because I didn't handle something I should have. As it continues to go on and on it gets harder and harder to deal with, until most of the time I just give up or let it go.

Now at this point... you are saying.. stop smoking you dumbass! And I know this I see what it does to my social life, however within a few weeks of stopping my marijuana abuse, I am hit with horrible depression. I refuse to take medications anymore, I've tried them all. They make me gain a lot of weight, make me "loopy" and out of it and basically do the same thing as the marijuana except they don't make me personally feel good. I had one doctor tell me it was the side effects of the marijuana. Perhaps this is true, but when you are getting suicidal thoughts, can't get out of bed and just don't give a **** it's kind of hard to not smoke.

I am so much happier these days, I love my life and I love who and what I am. I have goals and I am working towards them. I fully expect to be a homeowner within the next year. However my social life is in ruins, I have few if any friends, I do not have a girl friend, I do not have anyone except the few family members who havn't "disowned" me. I am extremely uncomfortable meeting new people and I always have that "they know i'm stoned" idea in the back of my head. Like that matters somehow and that is going to determine whether or not they like me.

I also want to say that I am a highly intelligent individual. I am not some shady "thug" who hangs out at parks causing problems. My smoking is done in private, never before or during work, I try to use the "time and place" idea with my smoke. I do smoke everyday at some point however. I guess what I am saying is I don't want a basic copy and paste, quit smoking you idiot type response. I have not been able to find a good balance of personal happiness and social functionality. While I prefer to be alone, a lot of the time I think it may be caused by the marijuana. Most people do not smoke and it is a legal gray area (in a lot of states). This often leads to doing such an activity in private, removed from most people. Then the effects of the marijuana mixed with I am guessing my introspective personality results in me seeking "comfort" by being alone.

I really just want to find a way to be this happy and this driven while still seeking out social interactions. It's extended amounts of time without smoking that leads me to my "downward spiral". A week or two and I am ok, not the best but ok. The 3rd week without smoking is the one that does me in everytime.

So my question is in regards to how do you balance personal happiness with social responsibilities? what would you suggest?