((Splitimage))
yes, i think it has to deal with part of what Sidestepper mentions of having those thoughts of foreshorten life- eventually i will do it, but in the short term of idealization, my ex-t used to tell me it was a controlling ''some what safeplace'', meaning things are getting ovewhlming,i feel i cant contoll anything, my brain goes to: how to have control over the issues? with so much pain usualy when in this spot,thinking of doing su or not is what i feel i can controll. this was actully one thing with ex-t that i felt i benifitedfrom, with her help w finding why my mind goes here.. although working on this still, but whe overwhelming times come these days i tell myself, it is me wanting controll of so much pain, whatelse can i controll? the choice of taking a walk or not for an example, very simplistic but can help a lot.also reminding me that it's an escape, find better copin methods to help contro the pain.

for long term idk, hope ur t can hel uw/ this.