Blehk.

I survived the first day back at work.

It's a cubicle farm and I used to go for weeks without seeing some of the people in my department, even though they were just around the corner from me. So not many people even noticed I was gone, let alone the fact that I returned today.

There are only 5 people that I see each Monday at a meeting. They all knew I was gone. The rest of the approximately 30 people in the department, for the most part, had no idea.

Of those 30, two people sent me messages on Facebook half-way into my leave asking where I was.

One girl stopped at my cube today and said, "You're back! I've missed you!" and gave me a hug. It was weird because she has never been friendly in the year-and-a-half that I've been there.

In fact, she's one of the people who complained about me to my manager and her words were used against me in the terrible annual review right before I took my leave.

It took me half the day to get caught up on emails.

Then a guy who has always been in charge of my training gave me a couple of new projects. I sat down, read through them, got started on them, felt OK about my progress, and then hit a wall.

Got to the point where I didn't know what I was doing.

Add a few near-crying spells.

Add more thoughts of, "What am I doing here? This isn't what I'm supposed to be doing with my life?"

Add a few peeks at job websites with jobs paying half what I make.

Add more periods of self-doubt and wondering if I'm really a creative person, or if what I've always thought was creativity was actually hypomania.

My friend at work who has always helped me (even doing some of my work to keep me from getting fired a few times) was off today, so when I got stuck on that project I wasn't able to ask her what I should do next. Hopefully, she will be back tomorrow and I can ask her.

What got me through the day?

I'm still riding on a bit of a high from having dinner with my son over the weekend, and even though he's spending every spare minute with the girlfriend, I've been able to get hugs two days in a row.

I left a message with my psychiatrist's nurse to see about Wellbutrin, since the last time we met he said to call for the RX when I start to feel myself spiraling downward.

I kept telling myself things will get better.

I don't know if they really will or not, but that's what I kept telling myself.

P.S. Forgot to mention. I'm a major Facebook addict and I have felt so bad these last few days that I have not posted at all. No likes for other people or comments for their posts, either.

When I take the time to look at what's going on with friends on Facebook, it just reminds me of what I don't have. Usually I'm excited to be on there because I loved to stay in touch with friends and I'm not a phone-type of person.