I am still in the process of trying to find a therapist (I want to find someone I will feel comfortable being vulnerable and honest in front of) so I haven't been properly diagnosed with any disorders yet. Over the years I have done quite a bit of research on personality disorders, though, but I never put two and two together and considered that I might have this. I went to my third Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous meeting earlier this week, though, and I was surprised by how disturbed I felt when I didn't get a lot of attention from all of the members, and also how certain members got attention that I didn't. And yes, I have started going to SLAA meetings, because I have had problems since adolescence with attraction to unavailable, sometimes abusive people, codependency, and fantasy. I can never outright tell someone I am interested in them; I instinctively work to manipulate them into worshipping me without realizing I am doing it, and then wind up losing myself in the process. But I am scared of real intimacy, because I worry that if someone were to see the real me they would abandon or abuse me. It doesn't help that I am attracted to people who do not seem interested in me from the start. I'm also very hard on myself and am overly aware of my shortcomings, always have been. A critical remark can haunt me for the rest of my life.

I don't much relate to being flamboyant or the life of the party, but I was like that sometimes as an adolescent, and I fantasize about being ultra seductive, sometimes famous. Generally, though, I come across as a wallflower, but I observe other people intensely and try to figure out how to behave in order to get them to like me and pay attention to me. I have spider sydrome, I guess you could say. Oh and I pay VERY close attention to my appearance; I'm very particular about my grooming routine.

So yeah... I guess going to that meeting and feeling left out when so little happened, got me to wondering about this. I don't want to wind up isolated all over again just because I need too much attention...