I understand this. Take a deep breath, I know the fear and worry, but I am positive it won't be as bad as you imagine.

It is so hard to have all these painful feelings inside and not be able to email. I'm not surprised you wrote one. My T does allow emails but doesn't encourage them particularly emotional ones. I snapped the other week and sent an angry one pushing her away. I did this because I knew I couldn't bring a letter to the session. It wasn't easy but it was okay. She wasn't angry.

I hope you can talk to T about why you sent the email and what you need from her. Maybe together you can work something out so you feel more supported and gain reassurance you won't push her away.