Landskaperdan,

Thank you for responding, it really means a lot to me.

Its hard to find someone who will listen to me and who can relate, so getting your feedback here is very much appreciated.

I sometimes feel like I don't articulate as well as others on here, so a lot of times I just don't open up.

My family and I have talked about it in the past but they never really have said the words "I forgive you". Now when I bring up this struggle I'm going through, they don't want to talk about it saying let it go. Sometimes it even upsets them, like the other day with my daughter.

Should I just outright ask for forgiveness?

I guess I will have to wait and talk to my husband when the time is right. He works a lot and the other times are spent helping the kids- all of the activites and such, so never seems like the right time. Plus I work 2nd shift- 3 nights per week so I don't see him as much.
I only work til 9pm on Sat night and when I get home he's ready for bed. We agreed when I took the position, we would spend time together on Sat nights watch a movie or something. Now its like that was never said. We also were to go out on Fri night since I have that off and we never do.
I don't think we enjoy each others company so much anymore, it seems the only thing we have in common is the kids.

The drinking was unusual for me I usually don't drink but I was feeling so bad I started drinking vodka straight that night and wound up drinking 1/2 the bottle. So I skipped my Seroquel (so I would not die) and still did not sleep the entire night. I think I got 1 hour that morning thats' it.

You know somethings wrong with your brain if you drink that much and still don't sleep lol.

I just came back from seeing my therapist and she said something very similar- that this obsessing and ruminating over what happened is causing so much anxiety that it could throw me into mania. She reminded me to do the breathing exercises and we did some together.

It would be wonderful to feel some peace.