Button, while I support your taking into consideration how much this might affect your therapy, I really disagree with the notion that you don't need to confront T directly if you want to continue. You really do. You may not WANT to, which is completely understandable, but you must. Beating around the bush won't help you. And it's not up to her, at all, to tell you she had an affair. Therapy isn't about her. You can't blame her for not telling you. I know you're hurt, but don't let your hurt find its way into places where it doesn't belong.

And if you do decide you don't want to see her anymore, that's ok -- but you do need to acknowledge that that would be based on hearsay, and what everyone else THINKS she did. It won't be based on the dynamic between you two, at all.

Actually, I was intrigued that she encouraged you to try to settle things with your ex. Combine that with the fact that her husband seems to have set himself on fire or something, it may be an indication that she deeply regrets what she did, and would rather have had the chance to work through things, instead of having this permanent painful reminder to her, her family, and her husband of what happened.

I once told my now-former T that part of the reason I was enthused to be a mom was that I was looking forward to being there for my kids in a way my parents weren't. It's a way to make it better, for me. Perhaps T feels the same way about you -- being there for you in a way that she wasn't for her H.

Again, I do understand that you're in a lot of pain and feeling blindsided and untrusting. And we could sit here all day and all night and ask whether it was ok for you to snoop on your partner (in my opinion, totally a normal thing to do if you truly suspect infidelity), or whether your friend's information is any good (in my opinion, it's sketchy just because no matter what, your friend still doesn't know what is in T's heart, only what the "whole town" knows -- I was well-known in my hometown back in the day, but nobody really KNEW me or what motivated me), or whatever. But I think the bottom line is, you can't know T's deal without asking T. If you don't want to know her deal, that's ok and understandable. However, you have to try your best not to allow what information you now have to cloud your judgment about the best way to proceed -- don't start blaming her now for things that aren't her fault, like not telling you about her affair. I know it's very hard.