my depression started back when i was little. i had an absent father and i always wondered why everyone else i knew got to spend time with both of their parents while my dad was far away and i never got to see him. i rarely got to do anything enjoyable because my mom was always angry about something and would almost seem to enjoy seeing me upset from not being able to do anything fun. then shortly after i started ti realize that the aunt that i was very close to was an alcoholic and opiate addict and from the way she acted i always thought she was just trying to make people laugh, she was one of the people that i could talk to about anything and she would never get mad at me. sorry if i am skipping accross the years and confusing whoever is reading this im just trying to find a way to cope with depression before i end up doing something stupid. me and my aunt were so close that she blew up one night in 2010 when she was very drunk. she had me backed up against the wall and was screaming at me because my mom pissed her off and she lost control. so after that happened i hadnt seen her for a few months. i remember the night when it happened on the way home in the car i started punching the dashboard and screaming because i knew my mom wouldnt let me see her anymore after that and she was the only real family i had. the only person in my family that made me feel loved. that was when i was 13. im now almost 16 and ive hit rock bottom with depression. it sounds bad to say this but earlier this year my aunt got sober through a clinic because she saw how she was slowly killing herself, and after she got sober she wasnt the same aunt anymore. i couldnt talk with her about anything and she doesnt make me feel special like she used to. she was the real mom that i never got the chance to have. i miss the old her as bad as it sounds. but what topped all of the sadness off was a month before my aunt got sober me and a girl named stephanie started talking, and she didnt know me too well and i didnt know her too well either. but what i did know is that i was in love with her since the first day i saw her. i saw her in class on the first day of school in 8th grade and that day changed my life forever. i never got the chance to ask her out until later in december because i was always using marijuana as my anti depressant. it does work very well but the problem about it is its illegal and it has made me psychologically depend on it. when im sad i would go smoke and when it would kick in my stress and sadness would begin to litterally just fade away like it was never there. but then i got caught with it at school and got suspended for 180 days and when that happened i started experimenting with other drugs. which was a waste of time because they did nothing for me. i ended up trying coke that same summer and it sparked a whole new world of drug dependancy for me. but there was one thing in life that took me completely away from the drugs and the sadness.. and that was stephanie. we started going out in december of last year and it didnt take long for me to realize that i want to spend the rest of my life with her. she made everything perfect. my heart would jump at just the thought of her. we were together for 4 months and i ended up losing my virginity to her. i even proposed to her and she said yes. i felt welcome in her home, both her parents liked me and treated me like i was family. they didnt have a problem with me smoking marijuana because they completely understood why i was doing it. even her dad used it for medical purposes. but then in march my depression slowly started to come back more intense as the days went on. then stephanie became depressed and started to slowly push herself away from me. so i was hurting so bad that i went to see a psychologist and he prescribed me an anti-depressant called celexa which just made me sick and sent me to the hospital. then he prescribes me another anti-depressant called zoloft which only intensified my sadness. so then he tried another pill on me called depakote, which was a mood stabilizer that was also used for many other illnesses like epilepsy and schizophrenia. which it made me completely lose who i was. i stopped caring about things as much and then when that happened stephanie got severely depressed because of my sadness and for reasons she would never tell me. she broke up with me on april 28th and my heart has hurt ever since. i have cried every single day since that happened and i will never heal from losing her. she was my everything and without her i have no reason to be happy. no matter what i do everything in life thats ever put a smile on my face has been taken away from me. its like i was put on earth to be a living example of a failure. i have no good grades in school because i cant concentrate long enough to get anything done and ive been put down so many times by my mom that ive just completely shut down and i cant take anymore of this. ive been very suicidal lately and i have dreams about killing myself. i see myself hanging by a rope and get a sense of relief when i see it in my dreams because it means the pain is over. i dont know if this means im actually going to end up doing it or not.. i always end up harming myself because i have no hope. when i inflict physical pain on myself it almost seems like it relieves some of my emotional pain. i get called emo alot because of the scars that i have from cutting and busting my knuckles on walls and because of the bands that i listen to. im always being hurt emotionally and verbally by someone and i dont know what to do anymore. if this keeps up i honestly feel like im going to have a heart attack. i started having severe symptoms of an oncoming seizure right after stephanie broke up with me and i dont know if its a coincedence or if emotional pain can cause a seizure. sometimes when the depression is at its strongest i just fall to the floor and black out. most peoples depression is every other day or a few times a week but mine is every single second of the day. i never smile i never laugh all i do is cry and wish i would just die. i have nothing to look forward to in my future because i wont be a high school graduate. i already messed up my freshman and sophomore year by getting suspended for weed 2 years in a row and now ive gave up on school. im in an alternative education program and still get bad grades. i only go to school so i dont get in trouble for truancy. ive gave up on everything and ive tried to talk to people about my life and they all say "i understand. but things will get better." when they really dont understand at all. ive tried and tried to get rid of this sadness and feeling of a waste of space but it doesnt work. ive tried advice from doctors and friends and none of it has helped me at all. i just want to know if theres someone out there that can help me somehow get through this.. ive hit rock bottom and im about to just give up and let myself die. i cant take this pain anymore.. someone.. anyone.. please im begging you please help me get rid of this sadness.. tell me how i can do it..