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Sep 18, 2012, 04:40 PM
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Member Since: Jan 2011
Location: Hell
Posts: 5,109
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This week is just getting worse each day that comes and i'm ready to give up now. Looks like i'm not going to become a teacher, i'm not gonna get to finish Uni, I'm going to fail my goal and my dream wont ever come true. So i'm just a failure and no point in trying anymore.....i'm so upset it's unreal.....my tutor had me crying yesterday because she was really mean to me and i didn't even ask to talk to her because i knew what she was like, i wanted my personal tutor but she was teaching so i couldn't talk to her so it's not looking good for me at all right now. I'm so crushed and heartbrocken that if i do get kicked out of Uni for not being able to find a placement to work in while i'm at Uni and working a paid job (the placement will be volunteering work so wont pay my bills at all because finding a paid job in a nursery just isn't easy here at all so volunteering is the only option left)....but like everyone else i need money to live on!!!! I can't live on nothing!! Yet my heartless B!tch of a tutor doesn't care/wasn't interested!! No placement....get kicked off the course....what was the point of doing the first year to be kicked off in the second year?!?!? Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr....i just can't stop crying and i know, you don't really care about any of this but if i fail now i might as well not breath again and not wake up anymore in the morning....just don't think i'll be able to handle this on top of everything else that is going wrong in my life....i knew i wasn't special and i knew i'd end up being like my mom....a lazy cow who sits watching TV all day!!  That's what would happen if i'm kicked out...OMG why is this happening now?!?!?
Just hate this and me right now for what is going on!! I'm still really struggling with it and i still cry about it....just can't seem to stop so i look a real mess  I have wanted to be a teacher all my life and well that tutor was horrid and might take that away from me so i'm still cut up about it and last night was just hell for me....was up most the night vomiting Thats how bad it's effecting me. I needed my little boy today so when i got the text asking if i was free for my parents to come over with my baby i wasn't gonna be free because i was working (it's what i have to live on...my paid work) but i asked if they would come after i finished but it started raining hard so we closed (we are outside) so i was freezing all day till i got to go home to my flat and wait for them to bring my boy to me so i could have a massive hug off him and some kisses. Just not in a good place or mood right now. I don't want to wake tomorrow and deffo don't want to go to uni after monday. Gonna be hell tomorrow and I wont get in till late....not in a good place at all.
I have no one who cares really and i'm sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo alone!!!! I have let my Grandma down and i really hate that i have let her down....i'm a failure and a disgrace and i should have known i'd never become anything!! I guess my mom was right with what she said....."you will never amount to anything, you are too thick, you wont have a career ect...." WOW hurts the more i think of it....grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
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Don't get caught up in what could be, instead appreciate what is. Appreciate what you have & who you have, because the future can take it away from you.
iamspecial is thinking....when all else fails....sit back...look at it....then re-think and start again
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