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Originally Posted by SallyBrown
Don't worry about it, Button. If it was too triggering I'd refrain from posting.
I'm sorry your ex is being so uncooperative. And I hope you can keep telling yourself that this is because of problems with her, not problems with you.
In a way my experience was the single biggest turning point in my mental health, because I was so shocked at how far I had fallen that if I wanted to get better, I had no choice but to go through every single thing I wanted to change about myself and just do it, and cut the BS. But I could have just continued to pile on the BS, and that's unfortunately what a lot of people do. It's really hard to admit to yourself that you're capable of such ugly things without crawling back behind your defenses. So remember, this is her choice, and it doesn't reflect anything about you.
Because this was such a turning point for me, I often can't help but chime in on posts concerning it. I learned a lot about myself, and also learned a lot about H and what he was going through in order to help him. I think a lot of people don't realize what it can be like -- for either the cheater or the cheated. A lot of betrayed partners go through PTSD-like experiences, where they become hypervigilant and frightened. The world at large can be very invalidating towards them (I see jokes about infidelity now and CRINGE). It's extremely isolating. So I'm very glad if anything I say is helpful.
I am so glad you're going to try to keep an open mind. I do hope that you find a way to bring it up with her directly sometime soon -- never good to let these things fester for too long. You might surprise yourself and find yourself ready sooner than you thought.
I also think it's great that you have this empathy for her and what it must be like for her to have this sort of "dark mark" on her, even though you can see that there is at least this T part of her that is working for good. I think that's a great sign for you in terms of healing.
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You are right about the PTSD, I had a nervous breakdown after it, I couldn't eat or sleep kept shaking uncontrollably, crying constantly, my whole world fell apart. Its only now i that I can see that what I was going through was normal, I was having PTSD. My ex T just kept telling me that I was to go see my doctor so he could give me anti depressants but they only made me feel worse.
You obviously learned a lot about yourself through your behaviour and were willing to change and this I admire greatly. I admire the fact that you learned about the affects affairs can have from both sides it really does show a lot about your character and I am sorry people judged you on your past behaviours. people are so quick to judge especially when it comes to affairs. nobody can know whats its like unless they have experienced one from either side as it hurts both parties.
My ex for example has done it all her life, cheated on all parnters and has never shown remorse, which came as a complete shock for me as she told me all of her ex partners had cheated on her and I felt so sorry for her but now I know the truth I feel so stupid for believing everything she told me. I can see her destructive pattern and how it will never change. But I realise this is because she hates herself.