I feel more connected to my therapist when we are talking about light-hearted things that make us smile and laugh. I like these moments.

But therapy isn't supposed to be all happy-happy-joy-joy. I am supposed to be able to talk about the sadness in my life too. Because that's kind of why I'm seeing her. I need help coping with life's sadness.

I like my therapist a whole lot. But where she falls down on the job a little is making me feel okay about not feeling okay. Sometimes she's too optimistic about everything. A little too "Smile! It could be worst!" Today I told her how it makes me sad that I fall out of the easy crossed-legged pose in yoga class. I have to have a wall even to support myself for that. I told her I'm sick of that stupid wall and the failure it represents.

She said, "That's ridiculous! Next class you're going to set your mat down next to the wall and use it! Don't wait for the teacher to tell you either. You ARE going to do it! So get over it!"

OK, she didn't say "get over it", but she may as well have.

And then, maybe because my face was sad-looking, she softened up a bit and said, "And of course, everyone's entitled to feel sorry for themselves once and awhile." And she smiled and made me feel a little better about being sad.

See, I know some people are going to say my therapist was wrong. But I like that she's so no-nonsense and hard-azz sometimes. It resonates with how I was raised...to be strong in the face of adversity and not be a crybaby. It makes me feel tough. But it also bugs the shtt out of me too. I don't like always having to be strong or having her compare my situation to hers or someone else's. I know it could be worse. That don't mean I gotta like what I got all the time!

Thing is, when she's say something sympathetic, I don't believe she's always genuine. Because I know she's so no-nonsense. So when she says, "That sounds real awful. I'm sorry that you're going through that!" I want to tell her to get off it. So I keep many things to myself. The negative emotions burn off of me when I'm not thinking about them, like when I'm painting or something. I guess when they build up to a extent where I can't release them, the depression will let me know and that's when I'll spill.

Part of me thinks that if I can't share my problems with my therapist, something is wrong. But then another part makes me feel like this is exactly what I need to do to learn how to cope without a therapist.