so pretty much when i was a minor i smoked, was teased with a certain look by a family member,and also in school with people just looking back at me and then someone who i thought was someone tried to get me to go away in a similar manor who was the opposite sex with most likely an authority figure while having a smoke which is where i feel this started, so without any verbal communication my mind took it as i guess that i was not wanted or i was going to get into trouble and still was not wanted, so my illness is centered around this some form of depression, and if some things upset me thoughts of being sexually exploited by older people take over, the more humiliating and wrong for an inexperienced person (me) become comforting to me, so i guess pretty much the opposite sex fuels my depression anything that has to do with that (basically everything that upsets,happened me) makes me feel rejected and thoughts of being sexually exploited, humiliating is what i think of and are drawn to, ever since where i feel this all began things just go wrong, and like things that have been pulled with me that also have no ability to respond to or aware of or even care about drove me further into isolation, theres crap like i can do whatever i want to someones step son without telling me why, or other crap like someone was somewhere on a day i was not because usually i am always there, but i guess thats treated as a whole if it is anything, because nobody told me or confronted me, and if anyone purposely said no don't do anything towards me, no confrontations thats your problem that had an effect on me, there is no not wanting me to get into trouble, or they want to just be addressed and have whatever that never existed to me admitted, and this was all while i was a minor and if anything happened or influenced other peoples actions towards me then they are responsible, and this is not even the whole story of this illness, but right now i feel that some things were pulled with me but there is nothing that i can say verbally from me or towards me that it is anything, and if it is its someone else's problem, it was against them not me, more to come