I need some advice on how to handle a situation. Before I ask the question I need to provide you with some background information.

I have been divorced about five years now. During that time I have been treated for depression on and off. I have had two episodes of severe depression, the last one very recently. My depression first started after my divorce as it "sank in" that I wasn't living with my children whom I love dearly. I had a BRIEF rebound marriage to a woman that was only in it to take as much of my money as she could (and she got a LOT)

After my first divorce I began to seek out sex as a means to "self medicate" and escape the emotional struggles I was experiencing. After fulfilling these desires I would feel shame ang guilt which only made the depression worse. I stopped this activity when I married the second time.

At any rate after my second marriage and I finally met "the love of my life". She is the sweetest, kindest, warmest person you would ever want to meet. I was feeling so great that I decided to go off my antidepressants. Unfortunately my depression creeped back in and I did act out sexually during this period.

With my depression back in full swing my relationship with "the love of my life" deteriorated quickly as I was not in a position to give of myself. She was unaware of my "exploits". I felt so guilty for continuing this activity but I felt powerless to stop. Our relationship crumbled due to my depression.

Just after we decided to "take a break" from the relationship this woman discovered that I was writing posts on an adult internet forum. I freaked out that I was discovered. Further, I became more and more depressed as I missed this woman so much and only then realized how much she meant to me. I wound up spiralling into and endless pit of depression, getting worse and worse with each passing day.

I didn't get help until I had come close to committing suicide 2 or 3 times. One night I finally said "this is it" and I checked myself into the hospital. (Story is almost over...promise). At any rate after hospitalization, outpatient treatment and medication I am feeling more like myself that I have in years.
My little "exploits" have ceased and Ihave successfully replaced those behaviors with more positive ones.

Now that I am getting better with each passing day I still have so many regrets over what I have done. I let my depression take ahold of me and I did things that were so contrary to my underlying value system. I am managing the guilt and shame, holding my head high. But, I think about the woman that I lost each and every day. I love her so much and am so incredibly sorry for what I have done. We had the kind of relationship where you just knew we could be together for the rest of our lives. We could have had one of those relationships that was a model that others would comment about.

So......... I have been thinking about calling her. On the one hand I know that I caused her a LOT of pain and I should stay out of her life. It is probably better for both of us to put this behind us and move on with our lives. On the other hand, what if she is capable of truely forgiving me and misses me as much as I miss her? I would hate to miss the opportunity to get her back in my life if I could. I am fully prepared for her to say no, or to hang up on me. But, I am just not sure if contacting her is fair to her. I love her and do not want her to suffer any longer.

I could easily find another woman to date, or get to know, start new with someone. In fact, that would be so much easier as they would not be aware of my past and I could start off with a clean slate. However, I really have no desire to do that. All I can think about is this woman and how perfect she was for me. Even if it is harder, takes a great deal of time and effort, I would much rather be with her. And, if I can not have her in my life, I guess I would just as soon be alone.

So... to call or not to call, that is the question.