Ugh.

I was on the verge of tears several times at work again today.

My only friend at work (the one who even did some of my work to keep me from getting fired back before I went on leave) is not helping me at all.

Not that I expect her to do my work for me again. I don't expect that.

But I sent her a couple of questions during the day and she told me, "I don't know. Look it up (wherever)."

The thing is, after being gone for 5 weeks, I have trouble remembering where to find the spots on the company intranet to look up the things she is telling me to look up. (Hope that makes sense.)

She said our new, inexperienced manager chick told her not to help me "as much."

Sink or swim time.

Today was sunny. That helped my mood a lot. For the last few days, it has been gloomy and rainy, which makes my mood sink.

But it didn't help me get past the feeling of dread as I sat there, knowing I'm in over my head with this job.

Like I've said before, the technical part of the job is way above my head. It isn't anything like my degree or my background.

I've been trying to stuff myself into what this job expects of me (and of what family members expect of me -- the ones who pushed me into getting this job) ever since I started there.

This afternoon, it hit me -- I don't have to get too many more customers to boost my sideline business to the point where I can earn as much per day as my take-home pay from the job. (Not counting the insurance, which I'd have to give up if I left, of course.)

So this afternoon I was thinking, "Maybe I just need to print a calendar and set a date, whether it's 3 or 4 weeks or whatever, and then my goal is to boost my clientele between now and then so that I'm making $100+ per day. Then I will quit the job that makes me so miserable.

This evening, I have concentrated on taking care of the orders that came in today from my customers.

I'm exhausted.

Thanks for the encouragement, everyone!