I seem to have so much trouble with speaking up of What I want that is with in reason...
Today is a good example and I don't mean to come off as a gambling addict if any of you see that-
I had not bought scratch tickets for three days now,
See what I have been doing is putting 30 bucks down, and just turning over the profit of that (i.e. 30 bucks i put down for tickets last Saturday, won 14 off of the 30, 14 bought more tickets that won me $16, $16 that bought tickets won me $28)...
I KNOW this is A Waste of Money-- It is Why I only Limit My Amount that I put out in the first place-- and I just turn over what I had won.. and if I loose it all I LOOSE IT.. I wait till the next weekend and put twenty or ten or some thing
Well I figured I had found a guy that "understood what i have been doing".. I will buy my pack of cigs with my credit card and turn in the tickets for more tickets.
Well the other day the machine was down to scan the scratch tickets, so I just went home and kept them till today... Well since yesterday I was just inline for nothing and a bit munch I got my S/O and I each a muffin, and a pack of cigs... The guy does the scanning-- I'm a winner yay-- Now I had already slid my card for the items on the register...
I ask about my scratchies that I want, he has 8 = $16 (two dollar ones) and I am like ok so give me -- these one dollar ones, and he is like you have $2 left..
at first I was like "what?" then I realized he had used the scratch tickets for the things I was buying even though i already slid my card...
I did not speak up-- and this is the real thing that bothers the hell out of me...
I DID NOT Speak UP to say-- NO, Sir that Is Not what i want to do-- Sorry for expecting you to remember me and of what I was doing
at me
But see the guy joked with me with the cigs-- saying NO you can't have them-- he remembers my pack-- so I am like really you don't remember me.. but it is TOO Much for me to expect him to remember me, in a busy time of the morning of what I do with the damn scratch tickets (That is what I keep telling myself)
I am just angry with me with not speaking up--
At first I was just going to get the cash and split it with my S/O due to this lot he put money into it too.... **OH I will mention, that My S/O said to do what I wanted, he did not want anything back and last night he told me to get scratchies for the end of my day to just do em.... it is a silly thing to me... it is a phase i suppose...
I am just mad right now-- I wish this was easier for me and I feel pushed over right now... I have so much more DEEPER things with this than just stupid scratch tickets and the gas attendant
I have trouble Figuring out what I want, let alone speaking up at times for it..
I am sorry this is just a rant... I know the core problem -- no not, addiction to gambling... It is me not being a strong voice as I wish I was....
I know I HAVE Grown with this from my past--- I KNOW that I communicate with my S/O MORE SO Now than Ever with ANY ONE in my LIFE... but still-- these little times, really piss me off some times...
I am also worried that he Charged My Card and Took Money off my ticket winnings-- which that makes me worry and I hope to his stars that he did not--- or he has really lost a customer, due to that is stealing to me-- charge my card then take my cash! f that. I will check in a few hours to see if any thing posts on my card for this morning.