(((Open Eyes))) you are an inspiration... you really are..
I probably still wont have kids but this story of yours with your daughter
That is a fear of mine of being just like my mom in the worse ways...

You hit my mom on the head-- and yes I saw it as a worse in her... god, she coned my dad out of so much money -- she had alomonie childsupport then had him pay half the rent with "them living together again" off and on threw my teenager years.....
this is one thing that when my ex-t told me to write "what she taught me"-- She Taught Me That I DID NOT want to be like her, that I wanted MY OWN Money, MY OWN Way!

sigh and my dad....
My dad used to tell me at times-- "I would respect you more if you were a artist out on the 16th street mall barely making it, rather than a corporate COE being miserable" ... I have taken this in many ways but try best to couple it with what else he used to say--- He used to tell me "be happy"--He used to tell me a story about a lawyer that his grandparents knew (grandparnts for him were his parents) but that he committed suicide after years of being a defense lawyer and was miserable, and that he did not want that for his kids... or himself....
- but these messages were NOT until my later teenager years.... and were not as often as my mother... My mom used to discourage my dad with telling us stories and things... I wish he would not had listened, but then again my Mom blamed my Dad for the stuff that my brother did when he was a teenager and went to jail... Not to say that some of the "disaplining" ways from our dad did not help with a lot of anger issues with us kids.. and his drinking and his own anger..
My dad also had a lot of "do it on your own" stuff too-- which is good to a point (if you know what I mean)....

I know--- my dad told me once in one of last talks that he wished he could had done better for us kids--- a day late and a dollar short to tell a 24 year old that-- THOUGH It IS NOT COMPLETELY A day late and a dollar short-- those little things have MEANT SO MUCH to me... but yet they can Tear me apart too with him.

eeehh sorry I am on a ranty day--

talking about being programed to be a victim I just posted in other mental discussion about speaking up for myself-- even on the littlest thing that means nothing just of what I want.....

blah---

Foundation...

I wonder if there are sleeping tapes that I could listen to that have "positive messages" that could seep into my subconcious-- hear some times those tapes help people... though -- i ask myself.. could i fall asleep to that

Sorry for being all over the place and BIG letters... I am not yelling at any one BUT MYSELF right now...