i'm sending hugs and hope your way, berly.

i found it so hard to stop drinking and felt like you. i'd look at ppl in AA meetings and think how do they do it? i relapsed over and over and i had lost hope too. matter of fact i didn't want to live anymore and couldn't live without the booze. i grew to hate myself. i felt like a loser. BUT i finally realized in order to stay sober i had to accept i had the disease of alcoholism and fix it. not admit but accept and stay the course of sobriety. i took it day by day. yes sometimes i wanted to drink but instead called a friend in AA that was sober. i also doubled up my meeting attendance. i got a sponsor and really used her wisdom. i felt so dumb and desperate i was willing to do everything she suggested. i finally achieved sobriety 23 years ago.
this is only part of my story but i hope that it will offer you HOPE. u can pm me anytime if you wish.
get back to meetings and talk about how you feel. you'll get so much support if you do. it's a WE program. we cannot do it alone but relying on the 12 steps is a good start especially the first step. if we don't get that one right we will surely drink. focus on step 1, read it, ask questions and i found found prayer helped me too. go to more meetings that you think you need.
i begged my higher power to help me stay sober. that was the miracle i was given. read my signature in blue type. it is true!!!