I had my session today. We mostly talked, at my request, and did some IFS with the angry parts. I think I've reached rock bottom. My T doesn't have an answer as to how I can stop my pattern. She went as far as to say that maybe I shouldn't be in therapy. When I got angry about that, she said it came from me a few weeks ago. True, but I didn't really mean it! I told her I didn't want to talk about that as an option; it means she doesn't care about me. So she said that she cares very much about me, and that everything she does is to help me. If I feel so bad when I leave, like last session when I called her, we have to change that, and go slower. Or, maybe talk about my other issues, not about her and me.

I said that we have to talk about this because my anger is about what I can't get from her. She asked what that part wants from her and I said love and attention. Of course she asked who can give me those things in RL. I'm not sure. We talked about my being angry with myself for not being able to get out of this pattern.

I said maybe I just have to use radical acceptance and she agreed. In other words, my former T was right. There is NO one solution for me! My T is never going to satisfy me and I have to accept that. If I can't, then maybe therapy isn't helping. When I brought up about how she changed, she said that in the beginning, we tried those methods, but it wasn't enough. The emails weren't enough, or the right way, holding her hand wasn't even always right though I disagree with that. She didn't want the "blanket of love" to be about HER loving me. She apologized for hurting me in that way, by taking away some of what she gave me because it wasn't helping me.

I said I'm trying DBT as a way to help. And my H and are hugging, and it feels good. Maybe I have to settle with those for now.

I was still angry at the end of the session, though more sad than angry. I asked if she would hold my hand, so she did, for a short time. She made sure to say she was doing it just so I could feel safe. It helped, but I feel so sad! How many times do I have to tell myself over and over that my T is just my T, and that's all? She likes me and is nice to me but that's all.

I have to radically accept that. I'm crying now but I couldn't in the session. I told her I wanted to cry. I told her I'm so stupid for having this pattern over and over. She kept saying therapy is about ME, not her. I KNOW that but it makes me feel very, very sad.

My T didn't contact my DBT leader yet because I just signed the release today. I asked if there was anything about me I didn't know that she was going to tell her. She said "no", she just wanted to be sure I get the most out of the group.

I don't want to face the truth about therapy. It hurts me too much.
I DON'T FEEL GOOD