((Open Eyes)) that is true it is all something to think about....

At first when i read this and then thinking-- I started to think about my S/O's parents, his mom is the bread winner right now, but I do remember him saying that at one time his dad had been working is retired right now....

then I stopped--

Something clicked.... turn it on me- to understand him helps but to understand me is more helpful..
I don't know if you know (I have ranted about this in places), but I know Cleaning the apt. is one big thing that can really goat me with my S/O .... meaning I want help with it- that just because I am a woman does not make it "my job" -- Even though at the same time, I know some where inside when I have the "thought" of his parents stopping by as they have "suggested" or anyone for that matter; that it all reflects on me.. that I am a sloppy "house wife"-- but those thoughts get countered with - I work the same amount of hours that my S/O works...

I do also realize that my S/O and I have both been raised where "combining these two responsibilities" has been combined or switched around-- Meaning 80's and 90's and especially now days-- some cases "the tables have turned"
And Example- like with his parents right now- his mom is the bread winner right now; when they first got married his dad was the bread winner and I am sure a very strong sense that "was his job"..... (I don't know if my full thought there is getting through)

It is funny appraisal for cleaning-- Some Times that is ME doing that rather than my S/O... This is something that I have realized for a while and slowly have slacked off with it-- Also with "MY Approval of Things" is really what matters.. (that I am still working on but it is slow)-- I think for me it is a combination of my mom used to be like "clean this"; but it was never "good enough for her" and after I would clean she would re-clean what I had just cleaned... I know this may sound like OCD, but I think it was a controlling thing with her over all (maybe a touch of OCD but then again I think my mom has PTSD coupled with a few other issues like NP, and she is dx as Bipolar1).

I wonder if some cases the subconscious messages get twisted and all with things.... sort of rebel against it if at some point we realize it?

I was also thinking about last week-- how it was sooo difficult for me to bring up the problems.... To the point of unable to speak (I think this has some to do with PTSD and how I was raised: "ignore the issues", the times that I have spoke or another person spoke, and violence has broke out especially when i was a kid, and in my teenager years then early 20's and so on)... very strong imprint on me of something bad will happen if i speak up...
But also-- Actions of everyone ignoring my Sister's and mine CSA when we were little--then when it was brought up by my sister when she was older and i was in my teenager years, it was brushed off "some siblings just do that" (from my dad that was)...- I am sure that gave a big message to keep quiet with issues.. No one cares.. but yet twisted with what you have mentioned with from my mom of -- "you should care about me"
I am sure there is so much more there..

what a mess... (i chuckle as I say that, as if I did not already know that lol)...

It is all things to think of... I have tended to do this more in my work place of-- why does my supervisor piss me off so much/why do I have so much anger..., oh she reminds me of my mom or something, Is this projection or is this really valid... the sad part though with my supervisor-- a lot of things are valid-- I just have to sort out the degree of anger that is with the "now issue" vs the "past issue" ... if that makes any sense


I know I asked my S/O this morning when we were hanging out (he got up and we talked yay ) but what is his foundation... he says he does not remember his childhood that much... he is not sure what I am meaning by foundation... I used the example of a house .. if a house has a bad foundation it will fall down, if it has a strong foundation it will stand strong against things... he sort of got that-- he said he did not know what his foundation was....
I do find this important though.... I sort wish he did too... but it is ok if he is not ready for foundation talk....

I may say that in away, I in some form have built my own foundation as time has went on.... That even if subconsciously messages that were imprinted in me-- even if I may struggle with it all-- that in some ways I am breaking out of them as best as I can..

Perhaps my S/O is probably the same in some way.. I.e.... I will wonder if his wanting me to communicate more- to not hold it all in, is something he realizes that he was imprinted with and wishes could do more himself...
The other week, he grabbed a note pad and pen when he saw me struggling with talking... i write to him a lot, it is a form of communication.. Meaning he did not want to ignore what I had to say, he wanted to know.

sigh.. a lot to think about... some new realization and re-realizations here...

((Thanks for talking with me Open Eyes))