I’m such a loser in life! I don’t work… I don’t have “real” friends; I mean to see in person. I’ve gained weight, feel no motivation what so ever to exercise. I can’t even take care of my own kids properly.
I feel as a fake… maybe I am a fake… I don’t know. I try to be there for others… I laugh although I’m feeling really down. I fight, but not really… I don’t know… I don’t want to feel anymore, because I feel too much.
My brain isn’t functioning like it used to. I can’t think straight. I feel… but I can’t get it out. I want to lay down on the floor and just cry. I can’t find words anymore… I turn quiet talking to friends. It’s like I’ve got porridge in my brain. Sticky messy… catching my words, before I even get to know them. Even my mother felt sad today… asking me why I’ve become so silent. She hasn’t got anybody to really talk to anymore, she said. I feel so bad, because I know I haven’t been there for her much lately. She has got a depression. The thing is she’s been very harsh in her tone about how we treat our son. He has Aspergers disorder… she just don’t know enough about it. My hubby and I are fixing a meeting with the persons handling our sons matter, so that she, my dad and my hubby’s parents can get some more info. I’m doing everything I can to make both our kids feel as good as possible! It’s hard work! My boy hits his sister…laughs at her to tease her… He’s been hitting me…
I’m worried about my daughter and how she’s feeling in all this. We’re doing a lot of work talking to psychologists and so on… to see that we get help… But everything takes such a long time! A LOT of forms to fill in!

Then recently I found out about me having Asperger too… I’m having a hard time accepting that. My OCD has turned worse in some ways.

I’m not good enough… I have nothing more to give. I hate it! I want to give, that’s ME! But I can’t anymore… I’m hollow. I feel so much for my friends and others… but I feel so helpless not being able to really help.
I find it hard to really show my own emotions… I want to be taken care of, to be loved, to be held… but at the same time I feel so vulnerable.
Who am I? What can I do?

What if others think I’m only faking my emotions for others? Do people think that I’m just pretend to care? Do people think that my words of compassion, is just words without no meaning? I can’t stand it if that’s what others think about me!

I need love… oh how I need to feel loved and liked! But I feel ashamed of myself feeling that need. I need to be there to listen to others and to try to do what I can for them. But I’m having a really hard time… admitting how I’m feeling myself.

The only way I can get some of my feeling out in the open is through my writing. But… when I feel really low, I can’t write. It’s frustrating!

To write this post, is big for me! I feel vulnerable now… I just had to get it off of my chest!

Am I pathetic… living in Sweden… never going to be able to see you guys in real life? I’m mean is this for real? Maybe I’m just thinking too much again…

I need you! Yes, I do! So much!

A confused and crying Nina
Thanks for reading!